Gluten free...

Sorry it has been so long. Lot's of changes are going on. We shall start with the great. My husband got a huge promotion at work, he is happier and it allowed me to quit one of my jobs!

Now, not the bad, but the harder to swallow. Our oldest daughter was tested for a gluten allergy. While the test can come back with a false negative it still came back negative. For this I am glad but she still has a gluten intolerance. This means that eating gluten most likely will do no long term damage it will continue to cause her to feel like crud all the time. So, my 2 year old will be gluten free and it breaks my heart. I know she can live life just like any other kid, yadda, yadda but at the same time, everything for her will be different.

Dear Daughter,

I'm sorry that your life will change forever. I am thankful that we found out while you are young and you won't know any different. I am thankful that you will be raised with a knowledge of what makes your tummy hurt and how to eat so your tummy won't hurt anymore.

Your Daddy and I will do out best to make your childhood as "normal" as possible. Our promise to you, our little angel, to provide you with decent tasting substitutions for the foods that your friends are eating (or do our best anyway).

Love,
Mama

Early Morning Woes and Joy

One of my three jobs right now includes a shift on Monday morning that begins at 5:30. This requires me to get up at 4:30 if I want a shower and if I don't shower I stay sleepy. So I grudingly attempt this 4am wake up. Both girls have terrible coughs and runny noses so I was up two or three times last night with the youngest and made the husband get up with the oldest the one time she woke. Then again he stayed up late with her as well.

This is not a nark on my husband. He is wonderful and supportive and is an amazing worker. So amazing he actully got a promotion and a pretty generous raise. Do you know what this means? This means that I have one more 5:30am shift after the one I am at right now! It felt so good to give this up. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy this job but now I can give up the 3-7 hours a week I am here and spend that time sleeping so I am not cranky mom 100% of the time. I will still probably be cranky 80-90% but it's an improvement right?

The downside to my husbands promotion is his new hours. This puts the girls in the hands of someone else at my favorite time of day with them. The time between dinner and bedtime. I like my snuggles and playtime when we don't have to rush to be anywhere but in bed. Oh well, it's not forever right? I will learn to charish other times of the day I suppose.

Another wonderful thing. I was able to get mucho study time in and got an "A" on my German Cinema paper. For the first time in a long time I am carrying awesome grades and I am damn proud of it. By dropping some work hours I am confident that I will continue this trend.

Now...to get the girls feeling better.

*I have a very dirty mouth and try to censor it at home and I am being amazingly clean. Please note that this will not always be the case. I am a very open and honest person and if my language bothers you, please laugh about it and read the next post.*

Some Parents are Children

A parent should never keep their child from the other parent without a good reason. It breaks my heart seeing a loving parent suffer because their ex-husband or wife is keeping the child. Often times there is a good reason for a parent to run away with a child but those aren't the times I am talking about. I am talking about when a parent keeps a child away from the other parent because they are fighting. Why must people take this out on the child? What did the child do? Nothing? Well poop! You punished your child while trying to punish your ex. Good job!

You would think that having a child would force people to grow up. At one point in time it did but these days we allow parents to continue to act like children. We don't hold parents responsible anymore. They throw fits and get what they want. Just like children.

Actions speak louder

I have spent the day helping my family to move. Things are hard here and there and when life gets you down we have wonderful people in our lives that lend us a hand. Often these people lend more than a hand and open their piggy banks, pantries and homes and help keep the road nice and smooth for us. For a lot of us it is a very difficult thing to accept this help. It's ok to ask for and/or accept this help.

I have also spent the day talking about how the people in my life have been wronged and that anyone who messes with my family will be dealt with (I love you Karma!) but I wanted to share a song that has been stuck in my head sung by the lovely Alanis Morissette...

Bitch

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know that I can't change
I tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath; innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried; Must've been relief to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you; I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

Chorus
I'm a Bitch I'm a Lover
I'm a child I'm a Mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This might mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
I'm going to extremes; Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus

Musical Break

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changin'
I think it's cool; you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess of my knees
When you hurt; when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I'm enough; I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

The things we do for love

In a matter of hours my little loves will be smiling and running into my arms because they missed me and are ready to love on me again. That is my favorite part of leaving them for the day. Picking them up. I get the biggest loves ever! Even bigger than good morning loves.

I hate having to leave them but it's not really a choice I get. Our culture is not set up anymore for Mom to stay home and tend to the children and the home. It just doesn't work that way for everyone anymore and it just sucks! Daddy works full time, Mama goes to school full time, has homework, housework and three (yes...3!) part time jobs. It's not easy to find time to get everything done especially when making time to engage children in enriching activities and helping them to grow as individuals. This is why we "choose" to send them to daycare.

Yes, I use the term "choose" loosely. Who really chooses to leave their children alone for an average of 9 hours a day and see them for only 3 hours? I'm not sure anyone wants that but what choice do we really have? The stay at home parent is a rare find these days. Nearly as rare as a good paying job!

*All statistics are pulled out of my ass and reflect my own somewhat educated opinions unless otherwise noted*

Reflection on a still growing love

I read post after post on here about loss and missing those that were dear to us. The majority of these posts are about babies that barely got the chance to enjoy our world and some that never felt the comfort and safety of our arms. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain in a mother's heart when she goes to look in on her sleeping babe to discover that his sleep is eternal. It breaks my heart. I don't know what I would do if I had to face a life without my girls.

I thank the stars every day that my girls are still here. I may not like when they are sick and coughing or crying but they are coughing and crying. They are still here and can be safe in my arms. I can still dry their tears.

It is overwhelming the love I have for them. Even when they tell me that I don't love them or the dreaded day when I hear "I hate you" come from their mouths and hear their doors slam. I know that my love will still be there and I will still be thankful that they are here.

I am sorry for everyone's loss but what about those that are still here? I know that grief is eternal. I see it in people's eyes everyday. I see the holes that are left in a mother's heart. My heart still glows full of love. Let it shine.